But I have lost you
by MiaMellark0PeetaHG
Summary: Something triggers Peeta and he gets lost in the world of hijacking. Katniss tries to get him back. Set in District 12 after the war, a few months after Katniss and Peeta get back together/ the end of mockingjay (before the epilogue.) Katniss is of course Jennifer Lawrence and Peeta is the beautiful Josh Hutcherson. They are both 18/19. Lemony suggestions, violence and language.
1. Chapter 1

This ecstacy. I don't how long it will last. I want it forever and ever. This feeling, I never want it to go away. I want to hold onto it forever. I feel so good. So impossibly good.

"Oh Peeta." I sigh as he kisses me deeply. He rolls off and lays beside me, tucking my hair behind my ears. We are both panting heavily.

"That was fun." He says making me giggle.

"Really fun." I say.

"You're getting really good at this." He says.

"I know. You're a great teacher." I say smiling.

"Thanks."  
"No problem. You're amazing, by the way."  
"I know." He says smugly.

Sex with Peeta is like nothing I've ever experienced before.

He's so strong that he could easily break me in half if he got carried away, but that's what makes it so exciting. I love being his sort of doll that he can do whatever he wants to. He always makes me feel so good. It gives me butterflies when he takes complete control. I love it.

Peeta reaches over me and grabs the alarm clock. It reads '11.30.'

"We should some sleep." He says. "We've got to ship that cake off to district 8 tomorrow."  
I sigh. "Oh god I forgot." I now help Peeta down at the bakery because I have nothing better to do and because I don't like being without him. Even for a few hours.

"Alright then." He says winding the alarm clock. He then places it on his bedside table and leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"You know, you don't have to come with me. I mean if you don't want to." He says.

"No, no, I'll come. I don't have anything else to do and I don't want you to be away from me."

"But it's only for a couple of hours."  
"Yeah, from like seven o'clock to lunch time," I turn around to face him, "and I can't be without you that long." I say.

"But, you could do some hunting with that time and really-"

"-no! I can't okay?" I sound so needy.

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Night." He says.

"Night." I say and shut my eyes. I can hear the chatter of woodland creatures and feel the slight breeze coming from the window brush my bare skin. Peeta likes to sleep with the window's open. The breeze is so comforting in this hot stuffy atmosphere.

"Peeta?" I say turning my face towards him.

"Yeah…?" He moans.

"I don't want to loose you again." I say.

There is a long pause of silence after that and I turn on my front to face the ceiling. Then, Peeta is lying over me, propping himself up on his elbows, looking straight into my eyes.

"Katniss, you will never loose me. Ever again." He says.

"But what if…what if something triggers you and I'm not there and you-"

"-you won't loose me again. I promise." He says.

I nod. "It was horrible. When you hated me. When you hate me." I say remembering the awful feelings I felt when he thought I was an evil, ugly, slutty mutt that disgusted him. I know the real, lovely Peeta will never come back. Snow took him away forever.

"When I hate you? I don't hate you, what do you mean?" He says.

"I mean when you have those phases" I say.

"But that's not me. I promise you won't loose me." He says.

I give him a small smile and he kisses my neck then lies back down on his side of the bed.

"I love you." He says putting his arm around my waist and spooning me.

"I love you too." I say before drifting off into oblivion.

The shrill ringing of the alarm clock wakes me up. I turn around, expecting Peeta to be up as well but instead find him still passed out next to me.

"Peeta." I say shaking him a little. He doesn't budge. I have no patience for this because the ringing is so annoying I can't take it

"Peeta!" I yell right into his ear and he jumps up.

"What?" He says.

"Turn that bloody alarm off it's doing my head in!"  
He does and I turn back on my side again but just as my eyes are about to close I feel the cover being ripped off of me. I'm naked and although it's a scorching 35 degrees (celcius) outside I feel cold and bare.

"What are you doing?" I yell at him as he chucks a pile of clothes at me.

"Come on! We're going to be late if you don't get up!"  
Oh I forgot, we are meant to be down at the bakery.

I groan and bury my face in the pillow. Peeta grabs my legs and pulls me down off the bed. I try to kick him off but I'm already on the floor.

"Katniss, get up! For fuck sake!" I give him a cold glare but he just waves me off.

"Fine." I say and put the clothes on.

I get the orange juice out of the fridge and pour one glass for me and one for Peeta. He comes running down the stairs and swings on the banister to face my direction.

"What's for breakfast?" He says leaning over the marble countertop.

"I don't know, make something." I say.

"You make something. Toast or…something." He says sitting down in one of the chairs around our table.

He gets out this little telephone that is portable, called a 'mobile phone.' He uses it to contact work a.k.a the bakery. I don't know why he doesn't just use our phone that stays in the office, it's much bigger and easier to use I think. He starts dialing the work number and I turn around and pop two slices of bread in the toaster.

I walk around and give him a glass of orange juice.

"Hey, Aldor? Hey it's Peeta. Yeah I'm going to be a little bit late today." He says into his phone.

'Thank you.' He mouths to me and I kiss his forehead.

"Yeah…okay. Wait tell me again." He says and I walk back to the toaster. I grab two plates out of the cupboard and put the pieces of toast on them. I then go to the fridge and get out the butter and grab a knife from the sink. I trip on my way back to the toaster and the knife falls out of my hand. Luckily I grab it before it lands on my foot, but it slices my hand and fingers and blood pour out either side.

"Ouch!" I yell and Peeta whips his head round.

"You okay?" He says, putting the phone away from hid ear.

"Yeah…just cut myself." I say and hear his footsteps coming over to me. He kneels down beside me.

"Shit, how did you do that?" He says helping me up to my feet.

"I dropped the knife and grabbed it." I say wincing as he opens my hand.

"I'll go get some anticeptic. Stay there. He says running off to the bathroom to get the first aid kit.

I pull the bloody skin on my hand up a little bit to see how deep the cut is. It's pretty deep. The knife went all the way in. I reach over and take a cloth hanging on the microwave and wipe the blood off around the two slices, one across my palm and the other across my fingers. Peeta comes back by my side holding a large bottle of clear liquid. He twists the bottle open and the toxic smell is so strong. He grabs a paper kitchen towel, puts it over the bottle top and tips the bottle upside down.

"It may sting, but just so it doesn't get infected. We'll get some bandages on the way to the bakery." He says.

Suddenly the bottle slips from his grasp and shatters all over the floor. The liquid explodes everywhere and I jump back before it can soak my socks.

"That was close!" I say looking up at Peeta. He is staring down at the floor and his hands are balled into fists.

"Peeta? You alright?" I say and I step over the puddle of liquid and glass. It's a big puddle so I sort of fall onto Peeta, laughing at how clumsy I'm being. He catches me and holds me so I don't fall. I look back at the pile of liquid and glass behind me.

"Thank for catching me!" I say still giggling. I turn back to Peeta who is looking me straight. My laughing is cut short when I look into his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

"Peeta" I say trying to shake his grasp. His hands are locked tightly around my arms and he's holding me so tightly. His eyes have become two unblinking black holes.

He shakes his head. "No. Katniss, no." He keeps shaking his head.

His pupils dilate rapidly, but return to massive sizes.

"It smashed. Like the hour glass." He says and his hands begin to shake. I can feel them trembling through my arms, slowly squeezing me harder and harder until it hurts.

"Peeta, calm down. It wasn't an… hour glass it was medicine."

He looks at me with a frantic worried expression. I know he is having a civil war with himself in his head. He mouths the words 'I'm sorry' to me and suddenly I'm lying on the floor, in the pool of liquid and glass. I use my hands to prop myself up and yell out in pain. The antiseptic sting like crazy and I just placed my hand in a pool of it. Some of the blood that was on my hand dribbled into the antiseptic and is staining a few of the pieces of glass. I look up at Peeta who is still trembling. When he gets like this, I'm meant to leave him to calm down, or if he's not too bad I should try to console him back to me. So I try talking to him.

"Peeta? Calm down." I say. His eyes fixate on me. His sharp jaw is clenched in anger and his hands are still baled into two trembling fists.

"Who do you think you are?" He almost spits out his words.

"To come in to my home and try to kill me?" He starts to walk closer to me. I scuttle back on my hands and feet, not breaking his stare.

"No, Peeta. We will together. I'm not trying to kill you!" I say as calmly as I can.

"And why the fuck would I ever believe you? A filthy…" He keeps getting closer, "ugly…" I'm backed up against the wall on the floor and he is still getting closer, "vile, skanky mutt. Why would I ever live-" Something weird then happens. He stops talking and starts screaming. He gets onto his knees and covers his ears with his hands. I don't know what is going on but it's fucking scary to look at, so I run to go call Haymitch or someone who can help me.

I run to the stairs and look behind me to see Peeta trying to chase after me, but he's tripping over his own feet. It looks like someone is dragging him back and trying to wrestle him to the ground whilst he is trying to grab me to scratch my eyes out. I start up the stairs, but just as I reach the top I feel Peeta grab my foot and pull me down. I scream and try to kick him off. When I flip around to look at him I see that he has stopped battling with himself and the evil mutt Peeta has now completely taken over again. I manage to kick him right on the nose and he loosens his grip just enough for me to shake him off and run to the bedroom.

I get in and slam the door shut behind me. The only trouble is there is no lock and I have to keep it shut with my body. I lean against it, panting from pure shock. Peeta reaches the door and starts banging against it with his fists.

"Open this bloody door!" He yells kicking the door now too.

"Peeta, please calm down! Remember you love me!" I say.

I can hear him laughing from the other side of the door.

"Yeah, I love you. What a joke." He bangs against the door again and again.

"You do! And I love you! Please you promised me I would never loose you again!" I shout on the verge of tears.

"Open this fucking door before I knock it down!" He screams. I just push all of my weight against the door and pray he calms down.

After a few minutes there is a silence. I think that maybe he has given up and gone outside or something, but I don't step away from the door. I let out a sigh of relief, but too soon because all of a sudden Peeta's two fists come smashing through the door, making me scream. I try to push back against it but his whole body then breaks through and knocks me over. I quickly get back up and see him standing in the room in front of the smashed up door.

His face contorts in disgust, anger and hatred. I don't know what to do! I don't know where to go! He comes running up to me, so I punch him right in the face. It doesn't seem to affect him though and he punches my nose back. The blow is so strong that I slump against the wall for a second unable to think about anything but the pain I feel in my nose. He then grabs my hair and yanks it back, so hard that I scream. We sometimes pull each other's hair when we're having sex and it feels good, but this is just horrible. I grab his hand that is pulling my hair and scratch it and try to hurt it so he lets go, but he doesn't. Instead he just throws me onto the bed, still holding my hair down with his hand.

He straddles above me and I can see his whole body is shaking from the anticipation of killing me. I writhe around and try to punch him and throw him off of me but he is so strong that I can't. I taste blood and realize that it's dripping from my nose into my mouth.

"Peeta please snap out of it! Please don't-" his hands lock around my throat, again. But this time there is no one to stop him except me. I choke as I try to get tiny breaths of air into my lungs. I thrash my body around and kick my legs like crazy because I don't want to die. And I definitely don't want rampaging Peeta to kill me. He would never forgive himself ever. He'd kill himself that's a definite.

After a while I start to feel lightheaded and stop struggling and choking. Just as I think I may be dying his hands leave my throat and I sit up gasping for air. I don't know what possessed him to let go but he did and I'm so glad he did. I run to the window and try to yank it up. Leaving through the door is not an option so I guess the window is my only option. When the window is half open I feel a force pull my waist from behind. I'm slammed back on the bed and a knife is being held to my face. Peeta is sitting on top of me and my arms are underneath my back, so I can't move. I try to but I can't.

"I don't want you to die so easily." He says smiling. It's not Peeta's smile. Its twisted and cruel, the opposite of Peeta. Well, my old Peeta that I sort of got most of back, that is now gone.

He yanks my top up, sticks the knife in and draws a huge X right through my stomach. I scream out in pain and watch as the blood drips off the sides. I writhe around more and I don't know if I was powered by the excruciating pain or the dread for anymore but I manage to get him off of me. I stand up on the bed and he jumps on me, knocking me back down. But this time I'm like a rabid animal. I scratch him and tear at him, even rip a bit of his shirt off. He, however manages the wedge the knife into my back and slashes at my face. We roll onto the floor, screaming and wrestling. I manage to stand up on my feet, dizzy from all the pain. I pull the window up with all my strength and when it opens fully I stick my legs out. Just as I'm about to jump out to go run for Haymitch something hits me around the head. I try to focus my eyes by the world is spinning and blurry. The last thing I see is a knife coming straight for me.


	3. Chapter 3

It's dark and dreary. I'm standing in a graveyard, the one by the old justice building in 12. There is not a cloud in the sky, it is crystal clear. I'm dressed in a long white transparent dress that trails behind me and has straps to hold itself up around my shoulders. I'm not quite sure why I'm here but I don't like it. It's so quiet I can hear myself thinking. I also can't stand this place. It's littered with the graves of the people who died because of me, for me. The only thing I can hear is the snap of twigs and crunch of leaves as I step over the graves.

_'Madge Undersee'_ I see written on one, they never found her body but they made memorials for the dead here too.

_'Ripper Trill', 'Rooba Heartly', Grathem Cray',_ grave after grave, memorial after memorial I step over people I know and some that I don't. _'Trey Delis', 'Ribbon Bertanium', 'Jane Western', 'Kalinn Polt', 'Primrose Everdeen'_…

I stop in my tracks and stare at the tombstone. White with black writing, that reads:

_'Primrose Everdeen 13 Our little duckling is safe in heaven with all of our love in her warm heart'_

I stand in front of it reading those words over and over again. She was our little duckling. Too young and precious. And I miss her so much.

"I'm sorry Prim." I say to the memorial. "I'm sorry." I then break down in tears. I get down on my knees and cry, holding onto the stone with one hand and my stomach with the other. It hurts, crying this much. I don't think I've cried this much since Buttercup was meowing for Prim. Either then or the first time Peeta lashed out back in 12. Peeta and Prim, the two that can bring me to an emotional breakdown.

As I grip the memorial I can almost feel her soft touch, braiding my hair back, squeezing my hand and telling me not to worry.

"I'm so sorry!" I cry. "I love you so much Prim, and I'm sorry." I know it wasn't m fault that she died, but I just wish I could have saved her. I didn't even try. I was too busy burning myself.

After what seems like forever I manage to stop crying and shakily get up to my feet. I brush the mud off of my dress and touch the stone one last time. My hands are shaking. I take a deep breath and walk away from the memorial from all of the graves. I don't want to come across something else I'm not ready to see.

I walk away from the graveyard and away from the justice building. I'm in 12, but it looks different. Row upon row of identical shacks line the streets and all I can see ahead are more shacks. I hear a loud crash behind me that makes me jump. I turn around to see nothing. Just darkness. It scares me, so I pick up into a run. I hear another crash and quicken my pace. There is silence fro a while after that and I'm running through the silent street lined with shacks. Suddenly I hear a quiet sound. I can't make out what it is at first but it begins to get louder.

_'Katnissss'_

It's the same hissing I heard in the Capitol sewers, coming from those shrieking furry lizard mutts.

_'Katnissss'_ they sustain the 'S.'

_'Katnissss'_ it gets louder and louder and louder until I feel like the source of the hissing is right behind me. I keep running but look over my shoulder to see nothing. Nothing but darkness again. Whatever is making that noise must be close, but I can't see it. All of a sudden I bump into something and fall back onto the floor from the sudden impact.

I look in front of me to find the source of the hissing. Peeta is standing there, towering over me and hissing. His body muscles multiplied by about a million. The veins in his arm look like they are about to pop out they are so prominent. His eyes are two black holes. This time, literally. There is no white in his eyes. The pupils have completely taken over and stained the whole of his eyes. They are pitch black.

_'Katnissss'_ he hissing getting closer to me. I scramble to my feet and turn to run, but trip over my dress. He is stepping on the edge of it and I try, but can't get up again.

_'Katnissss'_. The hissing is so loud it pierces my ears and makes me shudder. Peeta jumps on top of me and pins me down with his arms and legs. I scream as his mouth curls up into an evil smile. That same smile that he wore when he was cutting me the other night.  
"Please Peeta!" I scream and he just carries on hissing.

He then rakes his fingernails down my body and even though they aren't very long they manage to bring up a lot of blood. He rips right through my dress and only tops when he gets the bottom of my legs. He them pulls my hair again, forcing my head back. Something scary then happens. A long slurpy tongue falls out of Peeta's mouth and the sight of his face transforming into something resembling those lizard mutts makes me scream. He lowers the tongue into my mouth and it chokes me. I can feel it going all the way down my windpipe, and I feel it flip around inside of me. I choke on it and try and breath but can't. He then opens his mouth so wide I can see straight into it, and there is nothing but black and teeth. His tongue still down my throat, literally, he clamps his jaw shut around my head and the sharp teeth rip trough my neck. After a few moments of pain I feel nothing, and see nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

When I open my eyes I see a white ceiling dotted in pale patches. The paint is peeling off. I want to lift my head to see where I am, but don't think I have the strength to. I stay how I am for a while, Just staring at the peeling ceiling. That rhymes. The ceiling is peeling. Just like my skin always peels now because it got so sensitive from the burns. I wonder if, eventually, the ceiling will be as bare as I was. Nothing more than a raw piece of rough patchwork. I can hear voices around me.

"Katniss? Katniss are you okay?" I hear a woman say. I don't budge though. I keep my eyes trained on the patchy ceiling.

"Katniss?" A lady says again. "Katniss?" After about half an hour I turn my head to the left and see a petite blonde haired lady with dark skin sitting in a chair. She smiles at me when I look at her. I don't smile back. I'm finding it hard enough to breath at the moment let alone lift the corners of my mouth.  
"Hello, Katniss." She says getting up and kneeling beside me so our eyes are level.  
"How are you feeling?" She asks.

I shake my head slightly. She gives a light laugh and moves a strand of hair away from my forehead.

"I'm Atlana. If you need anything I'll be right here." She says and gets up and leaves my area of vision.

I look back up at the ceiling. And wonder if the paint will come crumbling down on me. That wouldn't be very good, but right now I don't really have the energy to move so I can't be worrying about the roof collapsing. I can feel my mouth slowly fill up with saliva. The spit gets stickier and thicker and is getting harder to swallow. Just as I am about to call Atlana to bring me some water my stomach churns and churns. An awful feeling that I sometimes get when nervous takes over and between my stomach and saliva I think I'm going to be sick. My hand flies to cover my mouth and I sit up straight, gagging and trying to hold back what ever is coming up my throat. I can't though, and a massive stream of clumpy blood and vomit starts to erupt from me. Atlana rushes over to my side and holds a dish to my mouth. The blood and vomit burns as it comes up my throat. The liquid is a deep red with lumps of black, brown and red sloshed in there. It keeps coming non-stop and the coughing and gagging is making it hard to breath. I'm spluttering the grotesque smelling and looking stuff all over my self, the bed and Atlana. I seem to be getting it everywhere except the dish. The flow begins to stop but I carry on gagging as I feel something logged in my throat. I put my hand to my mouth and my other around Atlana's, around the dish. I feel something stringy on my tongue. I grab it and pull it away from me. A long string of clotty red blood follows my hand and I gag as I pull it further out. It feels like a constant roll of string coming out from me. Atlana drops the dish on the floor and holds the strange thing coming out of me. She hits me on the back to try and get the string out and I hack and cough as she pulls more and more out. I almost flop back on the bed from the desperation to breath properly with this thing out of my system, but Atlana holds my back up. I start to feel dizzy and very unaware of what is going on. I know I'm choking and Atlana is trying to get this thing out of my system, but it's hard to tell what is happening exactly because the string and hacking is suffocating me. Right now I feel like I'm dying. This clotted string is blocking my windpipe. Finally, Atlana pulls the string right out of my system, and I fall forward, coughing over the side of the bed trying to catch my breath. I can breath again but I inhaled air so suddenly that it makes me cough.

After a while, I stop coughing and Atlana helps me to lie down on the bed again, and I do. Panting, sweaty and exhausted I mouth 'Thank you.' To Atlana.

She shakes her head as if to say 'You don't need to thank me.' I lay there panting for a while as I try to slow my breathing and take in luxurious deep breaths. Atlana bring a wet cloth over to me and wipes the vile liquid off my face. The taste of it lingers in my mouth and I build up a mouthful of saliva and spit it out, trying to get rid of the acidic metallic yet sour and curdled taste. Atlana wipes the blood vomit off of my hospital gown, my arms, and the bed and cleans her own hands. It is still staining my hospital gown and the bed sheet, and the smell makes me want to throw up again.

"Let me go fetch you a new gown and duvet. We'll give you a wash once you've recovered a little." She says walking off around a corner. Suddenly I see someone else who I was desperate for the other day. His scruffy beard is clearly unshaven and his facial expressions prove that he is not very happy to see me.

"Haymitch." I say as he leans on one of the walls.

"Hey sweetheart." He says coming over to my bed. His face immediately wrinkles up as the fumes hit his nostrils.

"What happened here?" He says pinching his nose with his thumb and forefinger.

"I was sick." I say grimly. He doesn't get much closer to me, because of the smell I think. Instead he looks behind him and sits down in the white plastic chair I first saw Atlana sitting in.

"How are you feeling?" He says.

I shake my head. "Shit." I feel a pain in my chest that makes me groan. Haymitch holds his hands up in front of him.

"You're not going to throw up again are you?"

I manage a small laugh. "No, don't worry."

He sits there for a while, fiddling with his thumbs and looking down at them. "I saw Peeta today." He says. I stare down at my hands. Little scars scatter my flesh, scars that he made. He's lashed out before and hurt me. Once, he gave me a nosebleed. Another time I got covered in scratches from the splinters of wood from a chair he threw at me. But all of those times he snapped back to normal almost instantly. This was strange. He had never been lost in his mutt self for more than a minute, until now.

"What is happening to him?" I say looking back at Haymitch whose eyes are trained on me. He gives a loud sigh and sits on the edge of the chair.

"He's still crazy. He's here, too, a few doors down in the mental patients section." He says. He is still crazy? Peeta is still in his mutt phase bent on killing me. After this long. Who knows how long I was out for? And for all of this time he has been wishing me dead. The thought is enough to bring me to tears but I'm too whacked to produce any.

"I thought he killed me." I manage to say.

"No. I heard the screams and rushed in. The knife had just stabbed your chest when I came in. I managed to knock him out but, uh…" He holds up his arm and rolls his sleeve down to reveal a large inflamed scar running down the inside. I gasp at the sight of it and at the fact that it was Peeta's doing.

"He's fucking strong." Haymitch said.

"I know." He is so strong. I don't know how I'm alive right now.  
Atlana comes back around the corner with a pile of white in her hands. She stops abruptly when she sees Haymitch, looking shocked to see him.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know there was-"

"Sorry. I was just checking on her." Haymitch says getting to his feet. He comes over and gives me a kiss on the forehead. "We'll talk tomorrow." He whispers into my ear and then makes his way towards Atlana.

"Katniss, you are one lucky girl having such a beautiful lady taking care of you." He says as he gets nearer her. Atlana giggles embarrassedly. She's probably disgusted but too nice to kick him in the crotch. Haymitch is in his mid/late forties and I'm guessing Atlana is early 20's. Disgusting. Him flirting with her. I scowl at Haymitch and he just gives Atlana a sexy wink and makes a low moaning noise.

"I'll see you later gorgeous." He says and walks around the corner.

"Sorry about that." I say.

"No worries. Atlana says laughing a little. She comes to my side.

"Shall we get you fresh and clean? Well at least not covered in eugh?" She says. I nod and try my best to sit up straight. She helps me and holds my back in place. She gently lifts both of my arms up and holds them above my head, so I don't have to use any of my own strength. She then, with her other hand, lifts the bottom of my hospital gown up over my chest over my head and over my arms. I feel a sudden rush of cold and begin to shiver as the chilly air, brushes against my bare skin. She notices and quickly unfolds the gown.

"Here we go." She says as she slips it over my head. I wince as I lower my arms. They are sore from bruising and cuts. She then yanks the sheets covering my lower half off and replaces them with brand new clean ones. She tucks them in around the sides and as soon as she finishes I lay back down with my head on the pillow and my arms under the sheets.

"You doing alright? Need anything?" She asks and I just shake my head.

"Thank you." I say returning her smile. She nods and sits back down on the chair, refilling little vials with different coloured liquids. Her slim black fingers work so swiftly, squeezing twisting and screwing little contraptions. It's rather calming to watch.

_I love you Peeta_. I think to myself. _Please come back to me. I need you. I always have. You promised me you would never leave me again. Please keep that promise. It's horrible without you, and this isn't you. This is the awful mutt the Capitol created that is bent on killing me. That's not Peeta Mellark the boy with the bread. My boy. _I think as my eyes grow heavier and heavier until I close them. _Please._


	5. Chapter 5

I'm woken by a low gruffly voice. It's quiet and distorted to start off with but then I make out that it's Haymitch.

"Your ass looks great in that." I hear him say.

"Umm, thank you." A higher voice says. It's Atlana.

"And those legs. You know, Katniss is still sleeping." He says and my eyes fly open.

Haymitch is sitting in the chair and Atlana is a few steps away from him at the sink. She gives a nervous giggle.

"I don't really feel comfortable talking to you like this." She says.

He gets up out of the chair slowly and gets closer to her, until his nose is almost touching hers. "You know what I'd like to do to you?" He says and I clear my throat loudly and they both turn around to look at me.

"Morning sweetheart!" Haymitch says grabbing a glass from the sink and taking a long swig as he sits back down in the chair. I narrow my eyes at him. Atlana kneels down to my eye level, blocking him from my view.

"How are you feeling?" She says and I nod. "Pretty alright."

She brushes the hair away from my face again. "We'll get you all nice and cleaned up today, okay?"

"Yeah, I feel really dirty." I say

"Mmm. So do I." Haymitch says. I peer over Atlana and see him, staring at her bottom half unblinkingly. Disgusting.

"I'll go get the shower ready, okay?" She says.

"Alright." I say and watch as she gets up and turns the corner, Haymitch's eyes glued to her body the whole time.

"My. She is a beauty." He says and I scowl at him.

"Did you only come to see me to gawp and drool over her?" I say with a pissed off tone.

Haymitch leans over in his chair and rests his elbows on his knees. "Actually, I came here to talk about Peeta." He says. Just the sound of his name pulls on my heartstrings, so hard that I think it might break. My mouth goes dry and I don't know what to say. Haymitch notices and comes to my eye level.

"Hey, if you don't want to hear then-"

"I do want to hear. I-I just can't believe that…" I say but the memory of Peeta's black eyes staring me down and slashing me with that knife stop me.

"He's still crazy?" Haymitch says finishing my sentence. I knew that by the tone of his voice.

"Do you want to see him?"

I do. I'd love to see him but I don't want to see him at the same time. I want to see Peeta. My Peeta. Not the mutt Peeta that Snow created.

"Yeah." I said.

"Well then, I'll come back in a few hours. Once you've been…cleaned up a bit." He says.

"Okay then."

Atlana comes around the corner. Haymitch gets up and starts to leave.

"Hey, I'll see you later sweetheart." He says.

"See you." I say and watch as he walks past Atlana. He touches her waist and she moves her hips away from him, still smiling.

I roll my eyes. So disgusting.

Atlana comes over to me.

"Okay, are you ready?" She says.

"Yes. I'm ready." I Lift the covers off of me and swing my legs over the side of the bed. It hurts so much, even the slightest movements. I haven't moved my body in days.

Atlana grabs my back and helps me to my feet.

"Put all of your weight on me." She says and I do. As soon as I take the first step my legs turn to jelly and I almost flop to the ground.

"Whoa!" I say grabbing Atlana's hand. She holds me up from under my arms and we walk at a snails pace. Every step sends a sharp pain through my legs, spin, chest and arms. Eventually, after what felt like forever, we reach the bathroom. It's a big white room with a few slabs of glass making up the shower and a toilet and sink in the other corner. The floor is white marble and as my feet touch it chills run through me that make me shiver.

"Alright then, lets take your dress off." She says and I lift my arms ever so slightly. It hurts. She inches the rag off me. I start shivering uncontrollably because it's so cold in here. Carefully she helps me into the shower. The floor is motion sensitive so as soon as I'm standing in it the water comes thundering out of the hose. I arch my back and jump out as the scolding water pounds against me. It stops as soon as I hop out.

"Sorry!" Atlana says and fiddles with a few buttons.

"There you go, that should be better." She holds her hand out for me to step in. It is better. The water now lukewarm slowly trickles down my skin, rather then beat it's way down it. I sigh as I feel the sweat and dirt of a couple of days slide off of me. I shut my eyes, grab Atlana's hand and sit myself down with my back under the shower. It hurts if I try to cross my legs so I just keep them slightly bent and hug them. After a while I feel myself getting tired and think I might drift off, but am woken back to my senses when the water stops. I open my eyes and see Atlana scrubbing my skin with a silky flannel gently. Bubbly suds form on me. "I'll avoid the red zones." She says.

"Red zones?"

"Yes, well the injured parts of you." She says. Suddenly I'm very aware that I'm naked and fold my arms across my chest and tuck my legs nearer to me, so she doesn't get a front row view of my vagina.

"Don't worry honey I've seen plenty of bodies. I'm just happy you're a lovely girl rather than a hairy old man…and I don't mean to sound pedophilic." This makes me laugh but I don't move my legs or arms.

After she finishes soaping me down she helps me get to my feet, turns the shower back on and rinses off the rest of the bubbles.

She then grabs a white fluffy towel and wraps me in it while I step out of the shower onto an electrically heated bath mat. It has an air vent sort of, I think, that blows hot air at you from underneath. I'm dried in a matter of seconds. Atlana grabs my hand and leads me slowly over to the sink where my new clothes are laid out. As I reach the sink I see a full-length mirror propped up against the wall. I can't help but take a look, but wish I hadn't. Just the sight of myself makes me want to cry.

There are hundreds of little scratch marks scattered across my face; my bottom lip is split and a huge scab grows on it; purple bruises shadow my nose and cheeks; I let the towel drop to find a massive red pussy 'X' through my chest; bloody and yellow bandages cover my arms; a large inflamed dent where some flesh has been removed covers my chest; the bruising on my neck is a little too familiar and ranging from huge to tiny, red slashes are dotted around me everywhere. Atlana takes my arm and pulls me away from the mirror.

"Don't look Katniss." She says but it's too late, I've already seen what Peeta did to me.

After I am dressed in a new less transparent hospital gown Atlana and I make our way back to the room. I turn the sharp corner to see Haymitch standing right in my face.

"Hey Haymitch." I say. "Come back to drool over Atlana like a sick pedophile?" He shakes his head but gives a sexy wink to Atlana.

"No. We have to pay someone a little visit." He says.

Peeta. We are going to go see Peeta in the mental asylum. "Okay. Let's go then." I say trying to be as calm as I can but my voice catches at the end. Haymitch notices. "Are you sure sweetheart?" I nod. "Really? Because we don't have to…if, you know-"

"Yes! I am 100% sure. Stop asking me that it just makes me imagine the awful scenarios and then I over think things and then I get all confused and everything seems messed up and out of order and I can't control my thoughts and I doubt myself and it just makes me more upset and stressed and worried and then everyone else just gets so upset and stressed and worried because I am upset and stressed and worried and we are going around in circles trying to console each other because we are all so upset and stressed and worried so stop!"

Haymitch holds his hands out in front of him. "Slow down sweetheart. I understand." He says and throws his arm over my shoulder, which makes me wince. "Oops, sorry." He says and grabs me under the arms and helps me to walk. I look over my shoulder trying to turn around.

"But…right now? I need to thank Atlana." I say.

"No time. We don't you to get upset or stressed or worried." He says walking faster and half picking me up.

"But…but…" I look over my shoulder, "Thank you Atlana!" I say and I think she says no problem back but I don't quite catch it because we are already around the corner.

"Don't worry, we'll be coming back. To see her definitely." He says.

The mood drastically changes, as we get further down the hospital corridor. Of course we are walking so slowly, but it seems darkness descends more the further we go. Faces become more solemn, patients become crazier and scarier and I swear even the walls drain of all their colour. When I see an older man dressed like me holding a Zimmer frame and alternating rapidly between laughing hysterically and swearing his head off I say, "Have we reached the mental section yet?" We pass the man, who sees us and says, "Fuck you, you fucking bitch, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you cunt you whore you're fucking HAHAHAHAHAHA…" Haymitch grips me harder and says, "I think so."

After a while of making our way through a maze of crazy people we come to a corridor with no doors, except one big black door with giant metal knockers. It is menacing to look at.

We stop right outside it.

"In here." Haymitch says. "I came to see him yesterday."

I look up at him my eyes full of worry.

"Come with me?" I say. He nods.

"But…are we allowed in?"  
"Yeah they let me in yesterday. They will definitely recognize you. They did me, so."  
"Okay." I say and grip his right hand, while his left is holding my underarm tightly to prop me up.

He slowly pushes the doors wide open and two guards stand on either side of another smaller door, almost a miniature version of the other one. At first they look alert and ready to kick us out, but then they realize who we are and stand back. Haymitch nods to them and they nod back, opening the smaller door. We step inside a room with black walls and white floors. There is a small white bed in the corner of the room and nothing else. The door slams shut behind us and I start. Suddenly, a figure sits straight up in the bed so fast that it makes me jump also. The figure is so still it looks dead. It doesn't speak, or move. Just stares. Those black eyes once so blue, now so cold glare right through me.  
"Peeta." I say, so quietly not even a fiber optic microphone could pick it up. He doesn't move. All he does is stare at me. Unblinkingly. Just seeing his face for a second makes me want to cry.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Sorry this chapter is a bit of a rushed chapter! The next will be better written**_

His jaw is clenched as well as his fists and his facial expression doesn't show he's happy to see me. It looks as though he is about to explode with anger, and he sort of does. He jumps out of the bed so quickly it's as if he materialized there, standing. He starts to run for me with his hands still clenched in fists but is suddenly jerked backwards. There are chains attached to his waist and feet that hold him back. He fights against them angrily but doesn't get any further to me than the foot of the bed.  
"Why did you bring her here?" He says pointing at Haymitch.

"Woah, woah boy calm down." Haymitch says.

"Don't tell me to calm down! Get her out of here. Get her away from me!" Peeta screams.

"Peeta, just-" I start.

"Don't talk to me." He snaps back.

"You know, I don't believe anything any of these doctors say to me about you. How could I ever be with someone like you? I mean…just look at you you're a mess!" He says.

"Well, you've looked better." That's the same thing I said to him in 13 at midnight: our first meeting when he was hijacked. This is all too familiar and upsetting. It's as if we are two years back in time to the Capitol ruled Panem, trying to win this war with President Snow and each other.

"You know, they tell me a lot of stuff and show me a lot of stuff. I don't…I don't want to believe any of it." He says trying to pull against his restraints.

"What do they tell you?" I say, getting a little bit closer to him. But Haymitch grabs my arm and pulls me back. I look at him for a second and he just shakes his head slightly.

"They tell me we live together. Showed me some pictures of us. Kissing and-" He stops and sits back on the bed, "they were disgusting."

"We do kiss, Peeta." I say.

"I know. I couldn't believe it." He says.

"But we do-"

"I KNOW WE DO!" he suddenly screams. "I just don't want to believe it."

He clenches and unclenches his hands a couple of times and holds them to his head.

"Can you just get out of here?"

"No." I say quietly.

"What?" He says.

"No, I'm not going to leave." It's barely audible.

"What are you saying? For fuck sake can you not talk like a normal person, you bloody mutt." He spits.

"I'm not a mutt-"  
"GO! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING FACE!" His screaming is so sudden it makes me jump.

"But-"

"GET AWAY FROM ME! BEFORE I KILL YOU!" He jumps off of the bed and runs for me, but the restraints pull him back. He pulls against them with so much anger and strength I think they are going to break. "I HATE YOU!" He yells.

"Peeta please!" I cry and out of nowhere the tears start streaming down my face. Haymitch grabs me by the waist and pulls me away from the door.

"You promised me you'd never leave me again! You promised me you said…" I resist against Haymitch, "you said you'd never hate me again you said… that you would never let this happen Peeta you promised! You promised me please!" Haymitch pulls me through the door and I peak my head round it long enough to say 'I love you.' And then the door slams shut in my face.

I'm lying back in my hospital bed, with a broken heart and a broken body. The screaming and crying has been going on for about an hour now and I can't stop myself. I splutter alternating between vomit and tears. It starts to erupt from my throat when I choke on my sobs and cough uncontrollably. My terrible gag reflexes ensure acid escaping my mouth. Atlana has tried to console me, and so has Haymitch but after ages they give up and sedate me.

The stuff they sedate me with doesn't put you to sleep like the sleep syrup does. It's weird and horrible. I can see and hear everything, although the world has turned into an echoing hazy place; the stuff just makes me tired and wipes me of energy so I don't keep crying. It's cruel really. To keep me like this. All I can think about is Peeta and that just makes me more upset, but I can't cry. So I just lay there gawping at Haymitch and Atlana. It sort of feels like I'm drunk.

"So, now she's out, do you want to-"

"No." Atlana snaps interrupting Haymitch.

"But you don't know what I was going-"

"You were going to suggest we mess around with each other. Unfortunately, for you, that's not an option, for me, as I am in a relationship so I am very sorry Mr. Abernathy." She says. Haymitch mumbles something that I don't quite catch.  
"And also… your partner isn't going to find out babe. I'm very good at keeping quiet." He puts a finger to his lips. "I don't have any rubber but I've become an expert at pulling out before-"  
"My boyfriend and my daughter are coming to see me here in about an hour. Now I know exactly what you're going to say: 'An hour is all it takes with me,' and I would have never doubted for a second that you would last much less than an hour. Maybe twenty minutes? Unlike with my boyfriend, who can last for… up to four hours…? I don't really feel like being rammed into by an old alcoholic with no pleasure what so ever whilst an upset injured young girl watches horrified, when I can go home and ride a tall young man for as long as I want until I feel so unbelievably good that I hate myself for even thinking about the first option." This seems to shut Haymitch up. He slouches back in his chair, mumbles something and takes a long swig from a random cup on the counter. I wonder if it had something toxic or corrosive in it. He probably wouldn't notice.

A few hours pass and Atlana comes and goes. The sedation starts to ware off and I am able to form words. I ask Haymitch if we can go back to Peeta but he says no.

Eventually, I fall asleep.

When I wake, I have the most horrendous headache. My temples throb and I feel so dizzy. Atlana is back and stands at foot of the hospital bed folding some things. Suddenly I hear a loud buzzing sound and feel myself being pushed upwards.

"What…what's happening?" I say, as the bed keeps moving upwards until I am in a sitting position. It doesn't stop though. I keep moving forward. "Stop!" I say to nothing in particular. I look frantically either side of me and wave my arms around trying to push myself up but the bed keeps folding down.

"Oh god!" Atlana says and rushes to my left. I try to get up and swing my legs over the bed but I'm too stiff and my face is almost touching my knees.

"Ouch! Oww!" I scream because I'm not the most flexible person in the world. It stops when I'm literally folded in half.

"Oww! Stop!" I yell. The bed begins to go back up and I wince, as I'm unfolded. When I'm back in a sitting position I see that Haymitch is asleep on the chair, sitting on the remote that controls the bed. Atlana is holding him up with one arm and pressing a button with the other.

"Sorry about…that." She huffs as she pushes Haymitch on t the other side of the chair. He flops over the armrest and snores loudly.

"Thanks." I say rubbing my back. Today I want to go and see Peeta again. Our meeting yesterday was horrible, but I really want him back. All of a sudden I feel a sharp pain in my stomach and grab it. It starts in my lower stomach and works its way up to under my breasts. I'm guessing it's from the 'almost being squashed to death'.

"You alright?" Atlana says and I nod.  
"Can I go now?" I say and she looks taken aback.

"G-go where?"

"To see Peeta."  
She sighs. "Whenever this guy wakes up…I guess. You can go home soon."

"Really? Can you wake him up for me?"

"Yes." She says. She gets a jug of water from the side and pours it over his head. He jumps up, like he always does and thrashes his hand around. There is no knife in it, like there always is. He splutters and spits water and swear words everywhere.

"What the fuck?"

"Haymitch let's go see Peeta." I say swinging my legs over the side. My body is less stiff then yesterday but my stomach and chest is really hurting. Atlana grabs my arms and helps me walk but I am ok to do it myself.

"No, I'm fine. Thanks." I say pushing her off.

"You sure?" She says and I nod. I walk a little bit over to Haymitch and he takes my hand.

"Why do you always wake me up in the most unpleasant way possible?" He says and I just roll my eyes.

"I didn't wake you up." I say.

We open the big black menacing doors and I see Peeta again, looking deflated on the floor. He is staring at the wall and doesn't notice me when I walk in. Haymitch and I are very wary as we step into the room. I don't want him to lash out again and I don't want to break down. Today, all I want is to talk to him. I miss our conversations.

"Peeta, we want to talk." Haymitch says, as we get closer to him.

He doesn't budge. It looks like he has been crying.

"Peeta?" Haymitch says. We get closer and closer to him but he doesn't do anything but stare at the wall.

I can now see the tears that are streaming down his cheeks. He doesn't look upset, just tired and scared.

"Peeta?" I say and the sound of my voice makes his head whip round to face us. He stares at me with those black eyes, unblinkingly. Unlike yesterday when all he wanted was to kill me, he looks absolutely terrified to see me.

"Please don't." He says and the sound of his voice makes me want to cry. But I don't. I let go of Haymitch's hand and move closer and closer to Peeta. His eyes don't break away from mine. My heart is pounding because I don't want him to lash out at me. I can see he is shaking. I don't stop until I am an arms reach away from him, on the floor in a mess of chains. I kneel down and near him and put my trembling hand on the floor, palm facing upwards. His eyes don't break away from mine and I can feel my heart, as it is about to jump out of my throat. Sweat pours down my face and files my palm. I don't know what he is going to do. Then, he shakily takes his hand and hovers it above mine. Slowly, our hands touch and my fingers immediately wrap around his. In that moment, I feel my real Peeta. His hand is ice cold unlike mine, which is sweaty and hot, sticking to his. We stay like this for a long time. Not saying or doing anything. Just sitting with our hands wrapped around each other's. I feel 100 moments surge through me and flash through my eyes. When he tossed me the bread, our time together in the arena, the first time we kissed, the first time we had sex and our life together and love for each other over the past two years. I love him so much it hurts.

There's a sudden pain in my stomach and it's so sharp and painful that I clutch it with my left hand and reflexively squeeze Peeta's hand hard. It shakes him and he immediately drops my hand and pushes me away from him. It hurts so bad that I clutch it and lie on the floor. Haymitch rushes over and kneels over me. I suddenly see Peeta come over to me and he kicks me right in the chest, which only makes me roll over in pain and crawl away from him. I hold my stomach. It burns and stings and feels like I'm being stabbed one million times again and again. I start to scream because it gets so un bearable. I feel someone trying to grab me from behind but I don't get up. I clutch my stomach for dear life and scream my head off because I am in so much pain I cannot move.

I have no idea what is going on.


	7. Chapter 7

'When two people are supposedly in love, they partake in sexual activity, a very intimate act which stimulates the body and mind. The nerves in your genitalia feel pleasure, which causes the release of endorphins to the brain. These give the feeling of happiness or comfort and ultimately results in pleasure. Although it is a most enjoyable act, some less likely results can be disincentive. STIs such as AIDS and HIV are dangerous and almost incurable, Chlamydia and Syphilis are extremely uncomfortable but not life-threatening. Unwanted pregnancy is the most common cause for distress from the outcome of unprotected sex.'

Unwanted pregnancy. Unwanted is the key word there. I do not want it. Not now, not ever.

I was rushed back to the hospital after the meeting with Peeta went haywire. Early, false contractions, and bad ones at that, due to my tiny hip expanse and wrecked body, caused the pains in my stomach. Peeta kicking me flat in the chest didn't exactly help. He ruptured an alveoli branch in my lung. They said it's not dangerous but I'll need to take medication for a while. I lost track of what happened after that. Haymitch carried me back here and I passed out from the pain. Pain. All I could think about in that moment. Guess I'm sort of used to it now considering my whole life was built on it. More pain is to come now, though. Now that I'm pregnant.

"I don't want to be in here any more! Can I please go?" I say to Atlana who is not listening to me at all. She knew I was pregnant all this time but didn't want to tell me until Peeta was better, if he ever does get better.

"No." She says flatly. When she told me she knew I screamed at her and got angry, so angry she stopped talking to me. It was a bit unfair that I screamed because it's not her fault; I was just so annoyed at myself and the situation I'm in that I took it out on her. It isn't fair, but right now I couldn't care less. Really, I should have been the first one to know I was pregnant, and get to decide who I tell and when.

"I need to get out of here, I need to think!"

"No, Katniss."

"Ugh!" I throw my hands up in exasperation. Feeling irritated and angry, I try to get up by myself. Immediately I find out that that is not an option. A thick tube is attached to my belly button and runs across my stomach to a big, shiny metallic machine. It yanks me back when I try to get up. I fling the covers off of me and fiddle with my belly button, just as Atlana pushes my head down with her arm.

"What are you-"

"Stop!" She says restraining me. I try to push her off with all the strength in my arms, which is not a lot right now, unsuccessfully. She is a lot stronger than I am.

"You are not going no-where sweet cheeks." She wrestles me back into the bed and presses a button the side of the bed, which enables some sort of invisible force field thing that means I can't get up or move from my neck down even if I tried.

"Turn it off!" I say trying to wriggle around.

"Turn it off now!" She doesn't. She just walks around the bed and goes back to whatever it was she was doing before. I start screaming at her but she doesn't listen. Instead, my voice begins to echo around me. It's as if it is bouncing off of the walls back to my eardrums. The force field is obviously sound proof as well. Great.

After half an hour or so of this annoying solitary confident Atlana presses a button that releases the force field. As soon as she does, I'm on her.

"Why did you do that?"  
"Because you wouldn't bloody shut up."  
"Well, can I go now?"  
"No."  
"Why not?! I'm fucking sick and tired of lying around in this hospital bed crying over Peeta. I NEED to get out, now!" I scream. She sighs.

"Transfer machine isn't finished yet."

I look over at the big square shiny thing that I'm attached to.

"What is it doing?"  
"Giving you pain relief and the baby nutrients."  
"Well when will it be finished?"  
Atlana looks at her watch.

"Ten minutes."  
"Okay then, so I can go in ten minutes?"

"I guess." She says, still not happy with me and the fact I got mad at her.

"Look, I'm sorry I screamed at you. It's just that I…it was such a shock and SUCH bad timing. I wanted to be the first to find out, you know?" She nods and comes to sit on the side of the bed.

"When you found out you were pregnant, I bet there were some people you didn't want to tell yet, or you didn't want anyone to know yet because you weren't sure how you felt or what to do? Well, I don't know how I feel and I didn't even get to choose who I told and when. It's such a…personal thing, I just…" I trail of in frustration.

"I know. I get how you are feeling, but desperate times call for desperate measures. You were all ready so upset about Peeta, I didn't want you to have to worry about his baby as well." She says.

"And no one else knows. Me, Haymitch," she point down the hall to no one in particular, "Dr. Graham and you. That is all. You can decide who else you tell now."  
Who else is there to tell besides Peeta? My mother. Is that it? I'd tell Gale but I don't know where he is. We haven't spoken since Snows execution. Johanna maybe. And Annie. I could send them a letter or call them. But not until Peeta is ok. I have to tell him first; he is the father after all.

"So, I can go now?" I say and almost a split second after I do the big machines begins to beep. It sounds like a high-pitched microwave. Atlana fiddles with the tube in my belly button. I feel a sharp pain as it leaves me and then, once all the way out the beeping stops.

"Maybe wait for Haymitch to come back." She says. He left an hour or so ago to get a drink, of course.

"Okay. Can I at least get ready to leave? Like, can I get changed?"  
She nods so I swing my legs out of the bed and get onto my feet.

I change into a pair of tight blue denim trousers and a silky black top. It isn't mine so doesn't fit all too well. I constantly have to pull the neck up as it keeps revealing my bra and the straps keep falling off of my shoulders. A pair of white canvas shoes are on my feet. Once I am dressed I listen to Atlana as she gives me the long list of things I need to make sure I do when I go home. Take one of these little luminous pink tablets once a day, a spoonful of this thick white syrup once a week and make sure I don't sleep on my front. Also I have to come back here for a check up once every month.  
After that I wait until I see Haymitch come around the corner. He looks surprised to see me up. Probably because I've spent the past five or so days looking like absolute shit in that bed.

"Hello sweetheart. Nice to see you up and at 'em."

"Isn't it just?" I say.

"So, why exactly are you up, looking at me so expectantly?"  
I cross over to him and grab his hand, leading him to the hallway.

"Because, Haymitch. I am leaving."

"Whoa, leaving where?"  
"Leaving the hospital to go home."  
He shakes the grip on my hand.

"But you just collapsed in a screaming heap. You've got a ruptured thingy-ma-bob, you have to stay."  
I shake my head. "No, Atlana said I could go because I've got medicine and everything is finished here."  
"What does that mean?"  
I sigh. "It means I can go!"  
He looks over at Atlana. "Yes, she can go now, but has to return once a month for a check up." She says squeezing my shoulders.

I turn around and hug here. "Thank you for everything you have done. I'm so sorry I got angry because I couldn't have asked for a better nurse. I am so grateful." I say. She gives a small laugh. "It was a pleasure to help you Katniss. Stay happy and beautiful. Hopefully I'll see you in the maternity wing." When we let go, I take Haymitch's hand and walk around the corner, leaving that hospital room hopefully forever.

"So what are we going to do about Peeta?" I say to Haymitch as the cab turns down the road leading to the victory village. A long huffy sigh/ breath escapes his lips.  
"I think in a week or so he can come back. Until then, it's best we let the doctors coax and medicate him."  
"But will he be okay?"  
"I'm sure he'll be fine.

I look out of the window and touch the cool smooth surface. Rain droplets racing down the glass condense in the rubber at the bottom. It is humid rain. The hot September air outside reacts with the rain and causes a steamy humid atmosphere. The cab pulls up outside our house.

"So, when should I tell him?" I say.

Haymitch unbuckles his seat belt and opens the door, pulling the hood of his jacket up over his head to shield him from the rain.

"Whenever you want to."  
I open my door and hop out, rushing to the front door as the rain hits my skin. Haymitch pays the driver and comes over to me. I fiddle with the key that was in my pocket and the door creaks open. The smell of antiseptic is the first thing to hit my nose. For a minute we just stand there, staring at the sad lonely house.

"Alright, get in. I'm getting drenched here." He says, pushing me inside.

I stumble into the kitchen first and find the pool of antiseptic and blood has crusted on the floor.

"Haymitch." I yell into the hallway.

"Haymitch!" He comes into the kitchen.

"What?"  
I point to the floor near the sink.

"Oh, do you want me to clean it up?"  
I nod and he goes over to get a sponge from the sink. He wets it little bit with water from the tap and then kneels down and stats to scrub the mess. It comes up in little flakes, like shaved cheese of dry skin. I walk up the stairs and head to our bedroom, knowing there will be more mess in there. The door is off of its hinges and smashed in almost half with splinters of wood all over the floor. The bed sheets are ruffled and messy and there is a massive dent with cracked paint on the wall next to the window. A large crack crosses the glass of the window and creates a shattered spider web in the top left corner. There are little blood drops splattered around the room. It's awful to look at. I walk around to the bed and sit down on it. With my left hand I scrunch up the duvet and squeeze it. The white sheets are doted with red. I want to wake up tomorrow morning in this bed, looking into Peeta's icy blue eyes. Wrapped in his warm muscular arms that ward off unwanted memories and nightmares. I will have him back, I know I will. I hear footsteps from behind me and see Haymitch in the doorway.

"God." He says.  
"We've got a lot of cleaning up to do."


	8. Chapter 8

I'm so nervous. I've been home for three weeks and today is the day Haymitch is picking Peeta up from the hospital. He left an hour ago so should be back at any minute. All day I've spent getting ready. First I tied my hair back in my iconic side braid, which I haven't done in a while. I then cleaned my face and used this weird illuminating stick from the Capitol. It clears the imperfections in your skin and for me that's the almost permanent black circles under my eyes. I didn't want Peeta to see me looking all tired and deflated. After that I spent forever deciding what to wear. It was the longest I've ever spent looking at clothes. In the end I put on a black skirt that comes just above my thighs and a dark green tank top. The late September air is still warm so there is no need for a jumper or shrug. Then, Haymitch left and I've spent the last hour walking around trying to calm down. I started off in the plush arm chair, then moved onto the arm rest of the chair, then to the kitchen table, then to one of the wooden chairs around the table, I sat on the marble counter top, then moved to the sofa in front of the TV, the sofa armchair and then I decide to stand at the sink. After ten minutes I stand in front of the TV and then decide to plant my self next to the front door. I wait. The timer on the clock keeps going and soon fifteen minutes has passed. Sweat drenches my skin and I can hear myself breathing heavier as I imagine the worst situations possible. Peeta could still be crazed and try to kill me, or himself. He could have forgotten who I am completely or lost his memory. Or he could be brainwashed into a thoughtless, mindless killer/ zombie. The list of bad scenarios play in my mind again and again until I hear car wheels against the pebbly gravel and an engine purr. For a minute I stand there with my arms out, whipping my head from side to side to look around the room, looking like I `m about to jump or run. I don't really know whether I should stay here or if it looks too eager. My feet stumble, tiptoeing from right to left as I try to figure out where to go. In the end I run up the stair being careful not to make them creak. Once at the top, my head just peaks around the corner. The wall is at an angle, which means I can see them but they can't see me. I fold my hands together and notice they are shaking. I hear the slam of a few doors and footsteps crunching their way to the front door. A key clunks in the hole and the door opens. There, blocking the sunrays and casting a shadow on the wooden floor stand Peeta and Haymitch. I stop peaking and stand flat against the wall trying to compose myself. My hands rest of my tummy, a tiny bump can be felt. Two and a half months pregnant.

"Katniss!" Haymitch yells. I slow my breathing a bit.

"Katniss!" He yells again and I hear Peeta cough.

I take a deep breath and head down the stairs, looking down at my feet.

"Hello sweetheart." He says as I reach the bottom.

"Hey Haymitcchh…" I sustain the 'ch' whilst raising my head until I am looking into Peeta's eyes. His hair is cut shorter then normal but his face looks the same. No, not the same. He looks perfect. His eyes are blue and glistening and his skin is absolutely glowing. His jaw looks sharper and his lips are pinky and looking fuller then they ever have. His arms are still muscular and vieny, not like they were a few weeks ago when I saw him looking deflated in the cell. Why?

"Hello, Katniss." Peeta says and his voice is raspy and deep.

"Hi Peeta." I say and I don't know why but I begin to feel tears sting my eyes, but I hold them back with a cough. I don't feel at risk. Just like I don't know this person standing in front of me. It is like that awkward meeting between a stranger that you really don't want to meet.

"How are you?" Haymitch says. I nod.

"Pretty good. You?" I say raising my eyebrows.

"Good, good. Come here for a second." He takes my shoulder and leads me towards the kitchen. His hands hold my shoulder an arms length away from him.

"So?" I say in a hushed voice.

"Well, he doesn't want to kill you anymore. He's… almost 'un-hijacked.' He just doesn't really know what's what. I mean, he is being very dreamy. He'll snap out of it soon. For now, you aren't at risk of being killed."  
"Am I at risk of being hurt?"

He pauses for a while. "Yeah. Only a little bit. It's hard to predict."

"So, he doesn't know? About the baby?" I whisper and get a reply of a shake of Haymitch's head.

"But he should know. The hospital said we shouldn't tell him until your noticeable but I say fuck them. Tell him when you want, fuck them."

"Fuck who?" Peeta says coming around the corner. My eyes immediately fall to the floor.

"Oh, authority." Haymitch says.

"You'd think we'd have learnt from our hunger games days that you can't trust authority." His hands brush my shoulders as he walks into the kitchen. I follow quickly behind him not wanting to be left to talk to Peeta. It's so awkward.

"What do you kids want for lunch then?" He says. I purposely sit on the opposite side of the counter top from Peeta.

"Not particularly fussed." I say.

"Alright then, soup it is." He gets out a big bowl and ladle from the cupboard. Haymitch's cooking skills aren't exactly gourmet. To be honest, I'd rather eat soil, but I know he's only trying to break the awkward ice between Peeta and I. We watch as he fills the bowl with water and chucks a bunch of herbs and leaves and stock in it. He then cuts up a piece of chicken and throws that in as well.

"Sweetheart, how did you sleep?" He says. It is a strange question but I'm grateful for his efforts.

"Okay. It was too hot in my room."

"Should keep the windows open." Peeta says and I feel a pang in my chest. Peeta always sleeps with the windows open. He knows that I know that, but I don't know right now, if he knows i know that. I must be looking at him funny because he looks around the room strangely. I focus back on what Haymitch is doing.

"Yeah." Is all I say. An awkward silence fills the air as the bowl sits on the stove, cooking. No one talks, or moves for about five minutes. I just sit there with my legs crossed watching the water bubble. Haymitch taps his chin repeatedly and Peeta stares out of the window. Finally Haymitch moves. He lifts the bowl off of the hob and gets three mini bowls and spoons out from the drawers. I get up and help him pour the soup.

"Alright kids, eat up." He says and another awkward silence begins. This time it's not as bad because we're occupied by the food. The soup is alright; not his usual crap cooking. It tastes a bit like flavoured water and chicken. Every now and again I get a quick look at Peeta. The way his jaw clenches when he chews makes me weak at the knees. Good thing I'm sitting down. Sometime I catch his eyes flickering over to me and there is this awkward moment where we hold each other's gaze for a few seconds, and then let go and look around the room or back at our food. After a few minutes I hear a vibrating sound coming from Haymitch. He puts his bowl down, lick a piece of stray green from his lip and digs around his trouser pocket. He pulls out a little gadget the size of my thumb and holds it to his ear.

"Hello?" He says. Immediately his facial expression changes and he begins running around the room.

"Oh no I didn't forget! Yes I am coming, I'll be there in ten. Bye." He puts the gadget back in his pocket and goes to pick up his jacket from the table.

"I completely forgot I was supposed to meet Rachil at the market." He says.

"Who?" Peeta and I say in sync.

"This lady. Wants to talk housing or something."

"Housing?" I say.

"Yeah. Well since I'm in 'charge' of the victors village, people need to ask me when they want to move in or whatever."

"You don't sound too happy about that." Says Peeta.

"No, I don't mind. A nice single lady like Rachil. Spend lots of time with her then have her move in next door, blessing."

I smirk. "Sounds like you like her."

"Not her so much as her...features. Friends with benefits, I think we'll be." He exits the kitchen and I follow behind him, not wanting to be left with Peeta.

"Wait!" I say. Grabbing his arm.

"When will you be back?" My eyes widen and he gets what I mean.

A sigh escapes his lips.

"You know what blondes are like. Always want more." He says and mouths 'you'll be fine' opens the door and leaves. So I'm stuck here with Peeta now. I make my way slowly back to the kitchen.

"Typical Haymitch." I say with an awkward laugh. Peeta swivels around on his chair to look at me.

"You know, Katniss, I'm sorry for everything." He says jumping right into deep conversation like always. I'm a bit taken back.

"It's not your fault." I say. And walk over to the sink to wash up the dishes. For a while we are standing there in silence and then I think of something I've wanted to ask him for a long time now.

"You said something, about an hour glass." I say and see the confusion in his eyes.

"What?" He says.

"When you went into your...phase...you said 'it smashed,' the bottle of antiseptic, 'like the hour glass.' I didn't know what you meant."

He gets up slowly, stretching as heroes so and comes over to the sink as starts washing up his bowl. We are so close, less than a hands distance away from each other.

"There was an hour glass to time how long each torture would go on for. For example, they'd beat me for ten minutes and start when the sand was full and stop when the sand had stopped. It was a big hour glass, with black sand and it had white and red handles. There were little roses painted on the glass." I shudder and remember the putrefying smell of sickly sweet prosthetic roses that invaded my nostrils every time Snow was near.

"One day, they were burning me and I was looking at the hour glass thinking 'please hurry up please run out.' It seemed to never end. I swear there was an infinite stream of black sand. So somehow, I managed to break out of the restraints and smash the hour glass. Pieces of glass splattered every where and the sand exploded. That was when they started to hijack me, and kill off and torture people they knew were innocent, just so it would drive me crazy." He sloshes a bunch of water and soap around his bowl. I look up at him. His expression is vaguely unchanged but I see a glint of sadness and anger in his eyes. Suddenly he turns around to face me and it's so sudden I jump, dropping the plastic bowl on the floor.

"Katniss, you don't have to do this. For me, I mean. I know I'll come around and remember everything again one day, but you don't have to put yourself through this."

"What are you talking about?" I say.

"I mean, you're staying with me and living with me. You don't have to if it hurts you so much. I'll understand. I know we love each other and everything but there is no reason for you to stay with me other than that, and that's not good enough." His eyes are urgent. Blue and icy but urgent.

"Peeta, I do love you, so I'm staying with you."

"Why aren't you listening to me!" He says beginning to pace the kitchen.

"I don't care right now, okay? If you don't want to be hurt again I suggest you stay away from me. I don't remember much about you. My memory has been cut up until we won the 74th games together. I know it'll come back but I don't know when and I don't want to hurt you again! Please Katniss."

"I am listening to you and I'm telling you that I'm not going." I say and for some reason I sound annoyed.

"But you're doing this for me I don't need you to!" He says.

"Did the doctors tell you to say this? Did they?"

He considers for a moment, then nods slowly. "They had a point, and I agreed."

I throw my hands up exasperated. "Well fuck them! Why listen to them?"

"Because they had a point!" He says.

"Well I'm not leaving." I say.

"Why Katniss, you have no reason to stay with me. Just go and be happy and SAFE!" He yells.

"There is a reason Peeta!" I say.

"What. What reason could you possibly have for staying with me?"

"Well..." I hesitate trying to make something up.

"-Other than the fact you love me. Is it because you don't want to be alone? Well, District 12 is full of guys who'd want to get with you so you don't have to worry-"

"I'm pregnant Peeta!" I say and clasp my hands over my mouth as soon as I do. The anger drains from his eyes and is replaced by fear and shock. I've never regretted something so much.


	9. Chapter 9

He blinks a couple times, like there is something in his eyes and then burrows his eyebrows and looks confused. His left hand clenches the back of the chair and the other flies around in weird gestures as he tries to get words out. I keep my hand over my mouth. "Wh-wh..." He stutters but doesn't get any words out. "Wh...why-wh...what?" I don't move my hand when I speak. "It doesn't matter. I-I shouldn't have said anything." "No. You said...what did you say?" He says. "Nothing. Never-mind." "Never-mind? Never-mind! What did you just say?!" He yells and I really regret saying anything, especially without Haymitch here. I don't want him to flip out again. "Nothing, nothing!" I go back to cleaning the dishes even though they are already sparkling. He doesn't seem to give up though. "Katniss put the bloody dishes down and LOOK AT ME!" He yells. It's so startling that my heart starts racing. I really hope he doesn't turn on me again and have another mutt break down. I don't know what I'd do! He's not even back to normal yet. "Calm down first Pe-" "I am calm! Now please repeat what you said for fuck sake!" He's still yelling and I guess avoiding telling him is not going to help. I'm not really sure what's going on here everything is all wrong. This is not how I wanted him to find out. I though the three of us (third person being Haymitch) would all be sitting in the garden or something, drinking, and I'd bring it up quietly and he'd get all surprised and nervous but excited and then he'd hug me and say 'we'll work this out don't you worry.' Instead I blurted it out an hour after he arrived back from the mental hospital after trying to kill me and now he's angry again, yelling and cursing. Well, I guess how I imagined it to happen is too far from reality to become true. Were like two strangers arguing, and the awkward element that I hate hasn't left, not really. "Katniss!" "I'm pregnant." I say quietly I don't think he heard me though. "Excuse me?" He says cupping his hand behind his ear patronisingly. This ticks me off. "I'm pregnant!" I half yell, slowly sustaining the syllables, and his hand drops. "Thought that's what I heard." He says. Then, there's a really weird moment when were just staring at each other. His eyes run up and down my body, probably trying to locate the bump, but the gaze passes over my legs all the way up to my chest. I'm fixated on his eyes, as always. When his meet mine, they stay there. Glued to me with hot white PVA. The anger is still swimming around those irises, but something else is there too. Urgency. The urgency has been there for a while but now it seems to over take the anger. It's a little uncomfortable, for both of us, staring into each other's eyes. It feels like staring into the eyes of someone I've know forever but never really know personally. Of course, that is definitely not the case with Peeta Mellark. All of a sudden he jumps at me. Hands in a lock position ready to strangle my throat, face contorted in hatred. The muscles all over his body rippling with the anticipation of squeezing the life out of my lungs. His legs clear the ground between us in almost a single step. I've done it again. Trigged him back to hating me. Well done, Katniss, I think to myself. Now you'll never ever get him back. As he leaps for me I don't have time to run, or shield myself but I let out a sharp cry of despair and horror. It barely escapes my lips before it is muffled by the forceful weight of Peeta's lips on mine. Kissing. We are kissing. It's so forceful and sudden and unexpected that I stumble backwards and nearly fall. He catches me though, and holds me by the waist so tight I think I might bruise. His body leans forward and my back is forced to arch backwards. It's hard to keep myself up in this position and I have to use all the core strength in my stomach to not fall completely backwards. It's really hard. For extra support I fist the material of his shirt in my hands. How long has it been since I've kissed Peeta? Or held him or even hugged him? We haven't been this intimately close in at least a month and it feels so alien and strange yet so familiar and warm at the same time. His tongue pushes my lips apart and slams down my throat so far it tests my gag reflexes. This is how I know he's still not himself. My peeta never used to kiss me like this; hard and forceful and desperate, as if my mother were to walk through the door at any minute. It's hard to admit, but I actually like it. We break apart after a while and I gasp in air, panting as he kisses my cheeks and my neck. "Peeta..." I huff as his hands explore my bare legs. They toy with the skin underneath my skirt and barely brush past my crotch but still it makes me gasp. His left hand rubs my upper thigh leading to my bum while the other works on the front. "Peeta...I-" "Shhh..." He says, his lips back on mine now. My tongue sloshes with his; so smooth and wet, it feels, almost like licking silk. As I pull away a long thick line of slobbery spit stretches between us, running from my bottom lip to his chin. The back of his hand brushes it away but it sticks to it. Laughing he shakes his hand around as the spit flies every which way. "Gross!" I giggle as he wraps his arms back around me and kisses me again. This time less hard. All of a sudden I'm lifted off of my feet, legs wrapped around Peeta's waist. My feet tangle together and my hands grip his hair hard. He moves so quickly I barely notice were moving up the stairs and before I know it were on the bed. For a second I lift his head away from me and hold it, looking deep into his eyes. In that moment I forget that he's not himself. That he's not confused, lost, suicidal and angry. Not annoyed and sad and deadly. He's Peeta. The boy with the bread who I love and who loves me unconditionally. I'm about to tell him I love him when his lips crash back onto mine. It occurs to me that this is all probably just sexual for him. I mean, I too think sex is not much more that a raw physical act. It brings out the animal in you, but right now when I feel so vulnerable it's nice to know that the father of my unborn child who I love too much, with whom I'm about to have sex with loves me back. I don't have much time to think before he starts taking off my clothes. First my skirt comes sliding down my legs, then my shirt above my head. I in turn pull his top off to reveal a chest of fine tuned muscular ridges. A thin line of blond hair runs from his belly button down to the hem of his trousers. I'm dying to reveal where it leads. He unbuckles his belt and slips his jeans off, leaving us both in our under wear. His fingers run up and down my bare legs, not a single hair covering them. I miss the warmth and familiarity of the hair. The burns I got from that day the parachute bombs went off in the Capitol singed the follicles, never to grow again. I shiver as his finger tips tickle them softly. He looks at me, and I bite my lip in excitement. I do wish his eyes were loving. Instead all that fills them is desire and want, and need. I guess that's the next best thing. His hands yank my underwear down and cold air rushes to my crotch. He climbs down my body until his face is between my legs. He wastes no time. Within seconds I feel his tongue flick over my clit, making me moan loudly. As the sound escapes my lips one of his hands flies up and lays over my mouth, blocking anymore sound from coming out. I bite down on it as his lips suck me. It feels so good. Suddenly he pushes his tongue inside and I arch my back. It plunges in and out rapidly making my breathing hitch, although it's muffled by his hand. as he curves it up far into me I clench onto his hair, pushing his head further in between my legs. This feeling. I never want it to go away. It feels so good. So impossibly good; ecstasy. But then, he stops. I loose the feel of him inside me. His kisses trail along my thighs, leaving wet patches everywhere they touch. I still grip onto his hair and try to guide him to my open crotch but he ignores me. The lack of tension building up in me is making me desperate. I want him inside of me now. His hands lift up my bra until it is just below my neck. He begins to play with my breasts, rubbing them roughly. It sort of hurts but right now any touching is stimulating. "Peeta-" "Come on Katniss. I'm not gonna let you come that easily." He says, trailing his kisses up my body until they are at my lips. "Oh...fuck." I say through heaving breaths. He replies with a crooked smile, and an unchanged expression as he rubs his covered crotch against my spread open one. Up and down slowly. Painfully teasing me. I squeeze my eyes shout and groan loudly. "You like that?" He says narrowing his eyes slightly in pleasure. I nod and bite my lip. His pace is so slow it's agony. I can feel him growing harder and harder as he is rubbed against my folds. "Oh god!" I yell as my patients wears thin. "Peeta, I can't wait any long-" his hand comes flying over my open mouth again, this time a few of his fingers enter my mouth stopping any words coming out. "Beg." He whispers as his pace grows slower and slower until he is almost still. It's infuriating the teasing. I just want him to take me, all of me right now. "Please?" I whimper onto his fingers. He thrusts once deeply into my spread legs and shoves the fingers further down my throat. I yell out in pain and pleasure. "What did you say?" He says. I can't take this anymore. His fingers leave my mouth and trail across my breasts, covering my nipples in my spit. "Please Peeta! Please fuck me please! I need you inside me now! Please, I beg you!" I yell and his face contorts in a weird expression. He looks almost angry again, yet unsatisfied and horny. Horny of course I can understand, but angry? I though he'd look amused and pleased. Nevertheless, he takes his boxers off and runs the head of his penis along the folds of my vagina. It tickles and I squirm under him until his arms hold me in place. Then, he pushes into me quickly and begins to thrust. He lies over me, propping himself up as he stares into my eyes. I cry out as every thrust sends a shock of pleasure through me. My back is arched to the point where my head is mushed into the blankets behind me. I feel the adrenaline and pleasure build up inside me like a fragile wall. Peeta's pace begins to pick up until the whole bed is rocking and creaking. I'm a little bit wary that the whole floor might collapse. We go faster and faster, then I begin to feel a pain in between my legs as he goes deeper and deeper into me at the same fast speed. It starts of small and pretty much unnoticeable but then begins to grow, as if I'm being stretch. He's so big I wonder if it's that thats ripping me. "Peeta." I start but am interrupted by his arms grabbing my waist and repositioning me on the bed. He pushes me up against the bed post and lifts on of my legs over this shoulder. This is uncomfortable because I'm not the most flexible person in the world, but still erotic. I'm a little bit pleased, as I think the pain that came out of no were might stop. It doesn't, though. In fact it gets worse. He holds my shoulders with his hands and I grip onto his. He bites his lip as his pace, yet again increases and I carrying on moaning and screaming. It's not through pleasure though. The ripping sensation grows with the speed and deepness of his thrusts and I don't know why. "Peeta, stop." I manage to get out but he doesn't seem to hear me. "Peeta!" I say louder and there's no way he hasn't heard me. He still doesn't stop. My grip on his shoulders loosens and I press my hands against his chest, trying to push him away from me if only for a moment to catch my breath and work out why I'm in pain. He notices, grabs my arms and shoves them above my head. He starts going faster and deeper. Painfully hitting somewhere inside me. This has never hurt before, I don't know what is happening! But it is beginning to scare me a little, as I am pregnant. The stinging sensation grows between my legs. It starts at the lips and works it's way further into me, to the very spot that Peeta is hitting. It's a burning sting; like being stung by a bee with flames for venom. "Ow!" I scream, trying hard to swing my leg off his shoulder and clamp my thighs shut. His strength is overpowering and all efforts to stop him fail. The pain increases and I begin to move my legs around irritatedly. "Peeta...stop!" I scream. When I get a look at his face, I'm worried for a second that his eyes will have gone black, but they haven't. They have a far off look, as if focused on something in the distance. The pain becomes sharper and more sustained. I decide I can't take it anymore and thrash my body around. His grip around my arms loosens and I'm able to wriggle my hands free. He looks at me for a moment, as if confused, but doesn't stop. As doesn't the pain. "Peeta stop!" I scream, squeezing my eyes shut as I push his around. My insides are literally on fire, and not in a good way. Burns are the worst kind of pain for me and this feels exactly like one. His pace slows considerably. I scream my head off and feel him slipping out of me slowly. The pain doesn't stop though and I shove him somewhere; eyes still closed, still screaming I scramble around on the bed for a minute, unsure of what I'm doing or where I am or what is even going on. I crawl about rapidly until I drop and feel the impact of the wooden floor. My eyes fly open and I see Peeta's face staring at me horrified. I stare back, horrified and terrified that he's going to freak out again and turn back into a mutt. I wonder why he's not saying anything, then realise I'm still screaming my head off. As soon as I realise I close my mouth, stoping any sound that was coming out before. Embarrassment takes over. The room is eerily quiet now, and as I gaze into Peeta's confused and scared eyes I feel him slipping further and further away from me. Panting heavily, I heave myself up. Out of breath, sweaty and naked I sit on the floor. Legs sprawled out in front of me. My bra is still sitting above my boobs, squashing them downwards so I pull it back over them. I notice a trickle of blood trailing down the edge of the duvet. It stops, then abruptly starts again between my legs; it's not period blood. If I didn't feel so weird I would have jumped back on the bed and made something up, like panic attacks are just a side effect of pregnancy. But I can't seem to move. Peeta looks as though he might rip his own throat out. The speechless expression on his face signifies to me that he's not okay. I try to say his name, reach up to him to stroke the hair away from his eyes, but the pain below is too sharp and I just end up flopping onto my back and staring at the ceiling. The light seems too fluorescent, like at the hospital. It hurts my eyes. Sex is supposed to be fun and pleasuring; not painful and disorientating. I just hope this sort of thing never happens again. As I stare at the ceiling, little sparks of light shoot into my vision from every which way. They spark a space on the ceiling then boomerang out of sight. It's very straining to watch, so I close my eyes. 


End file.
